DORM LIFE 101
As the person who shares such close quarters with
you, your roommate is a very important part of college life, but there's
a lot bigger population surrounding you, and for probably the only time
in your life, the vast majority will be about your age and going through
the same experiences you are. Even if you come from a family with twelve
children who all shared a rather small living space, you won't be
prepared for dorm life, as those around you won't be your siblings and
Mom and Dad won't be around to act as referees. Sleep-away camp is the
closest experience most young people may have had, but with counselors
constantly supervising you, and no responsibilities as far as school
work is concerned, it's not really comparable either. So the key word
that you'll have to incorporate into your lifestyle is
"adapt." What will you have to adapt to? Noise. Late hours.
So-so food. Social pressures. Academic pressures. Nudity. Drugs.
Alcohol. Constant interruptions. Playful mayhem. In short, exactly what
you'd expect from living with a building full of people who are like you
in so many ways.
MORNING LARKS VERSUS NIGHT OWLS
Medical science has shown that teenagers need a lot
of sleep, but college may not be the best place to get it. Once freed
from their parents' rules and regulations about when to go to bed and
when to wake up, college students choose to turn night into day. Since
even the best of class schedules will have the occasional morning class,
and many college students hold down jobs that may require their presence
in daylight hours, most college students do not average eight hours of
sleep a night. Now some try to make up for this by taking naps during
the day, sometimes during those classes and sometimes in their room, or
by sleeping till noon or later on the days that they don't have class.
If you're the type who has been used to sleeping eight hours straight on
most nights, you can literally plan for a rude awakening.
Q. I may not have chosen my roommate as a friend,
but she's certainly nice enough and I do like her. The problem is that
she has all these morning classes and goes to bed around 11 p.m. That's
usually when the dorm starts jumping, and I have no intention of missing
out on the fun. But I'm always stuck going to someone else's room
because my roommate needs her beauty rest. Since I like the girls in the
rooms next to ours, I don't want to move out. Is there a way I can get
her to move out?
A. Have you asked her? Many colleges have quiet
dorms or floors and it sounds like she might be happier in one of those,
so maybe if you asked her, she'd be delighted. Of course, before you do
that, check out if there is any room in one of those dorms first.
If that is not an option, then I would talk to her
about some compromises. For example, on Friday and Saturday nights, she
doesn't have to go to bed so early. Why not ask her to help you sponsor
some get-togethers in your room on those nights. She could split the
cost of getting some soda and chips, for example. That would allow you
to repay those other girls whose rooms you're always in. Definitely let
her know that her sleep habits do bother you, and then see what you can
work out. According to resident advisers I spoke with, the issue of
living on different schedules is one of the most common problems among
roommates. If you've got a schedule that's chock full of early morning
classes and your roommate never goes to bed before 4 a.m., then you're
going to be sleep-deprived, and that makes it very hard to absorb all
this knowledge the college is doling out. And it's not just nighttime
sleep that can be affected, because if one roommate wants to take an
afternoon nap while the other is watching their favorite soap, the
conflict will continue into the daylight hours as well.
This is not only a roommate issue, because it's
usually the entire dorm that's making enough noise to wake up the dead.
And let's face it, if all your friends are up, you're not going to want
to miss out on the action, whatever it is, so to some degree you're
going to have to adapt.
If you're planning your class schedule before you
actually arrive at college, be sure to leave some mornings free so that
you can sleep late. You can only go so many days in a row on four or
five hours' rest. Pack some earplugs. There will be nights when you're
utterly exhausted and will need to conk out before dawn. Remember, sleep
deprivation has been used as a form of torture, so don't suffer
needlessly. Cat naps can be quite refreshing. Even 15 minutes' worth of
sleep in between classes can keep you going.
Don't abuse caffeine, in whatever form. You need to
sleep to absorb what you are studying, so staying up all night before an
exam will only have a negative impact. If you really are having problems
staying awake in class, go to see your RA. This is one roommate problem
where there is the potential for help. If others in your dorm report
having the same problem, then you can switch roommates so that you share
quarters with someone who also likes to get to sleep at a reasonable
hour.
NOISE AND OTHER DISTRACTIONS
The noise in a college dorm doesn't just keep you
awake, it can also be a detriment to studying. While there are always
some students who don't think studying is their main purpose for being
at college, I'm certain you realize that learning and getting good
grades is your prime purpose for being at a place of higher learning.
But if you've gotten used to studying in a quiet room, then you're
definitely going to have to adapt to studying in college.
Noise all by itself doesn't have to be a problem.
In high school you might have accustomed yourself to studying while you
had some music playing in the background. But if you did, you set the
volume, and there weren't three, four, or five different kinds of music
going on all at the same time, as well as TVs blaring, people shouting,
and someone sharing your room who has no compunction about talking to
you whenever they feel like it. And the worst part is that you'll want
to join in those conversations. You'll want to be part of the action
when it's all around you. I'm going to go back to that word again,
adapt, because that's what you're going to have to do, adapt to the
rhythm of college life. Now, each dorm is going to be different, so you
have to be aware of what the rhythms of your particular dorm are and
work around them. If there is so much commotion going on between the
hours of, say, 8 and 10 p.m., then you can't plan on staying in your
room and getting any work done. On the other hand, if things start to
settle down most nights around 11, then you know that if you have work
to do, you can get started then, assuming you won't conk out before you
get done. But if the quiet hour is earlier, then that's when you have to
study.
Look for quiet areas where you can study and use
them when you have a test the next day or reading that has to get done.
If you need to use the computer in your room to get work done, listen to
a quiet CD through headphones. The music will drown out much of the
other noise. Most dorms are pretty quiet in the morning, when the
students are either at class or sleeping. Make use of that time, if you
can, to get work done that requires a lot of concentration.
If you are going to college with the intention of
getting the absolute best grades you can, or if you're on a scholarship
that requires a certain average, then you should consider living in a
so-called "quiet" dorm. It's not that these dorms are like
monasteries, where no one is permitted to speak. Rather, at a certain
time, say 10 p.m., all noise is supposed to stop, so the students can
get some studying done. Being in such an environment will most
definitely help your grade point average, which will help you throughout
the rest of your life a lot more than partying, so don't write off such
dorms so quickly.
Q My family had to take out loans in order for me
to go to college. My parents told me that as I long as I kept a 3.5
average, they'd pay off the loans, but if I fell below that, the loans
would be my responsibility. I live in a suite with five other guys, who
are really great, but none of them have to get good grades for financial
reasons the way I do, and I don't want to tell them about my arrangement
with my parents because I don't want them to feel sorry for me. The
problem is that they are sometimes a real distraction, literally forcing
me not to study in order to fool around. This is putting a lot of
pressure on me, and I don't know how to handle it
. A. You are learning what it feels to have the
responsibilities of a grown-up, which while somewhat unpleasant is not a
bad lesson to learn. Eventually you may have to decide between your
friends and your GPA, but here's a thought that might be a temporary
cure. A college is a big place. There are lots of little nooks and
crannies where you can sneak away to study and you won't be found. If
you absolutely need time to study, get out of your room and go study
where you can concentrate. If you require your computer and have to work
in your room at times, then you are just going to have to tell your
friends your situation. If you could get them to study a bit more, you
would actually be doing them quite a favor, so you needn't be so ashamed
of your need to hit the books, but rather they need to grow up a little
and take their studies more seriously.
ALCOHOL AND CIGARETTES
Some students choose a dorm that is alcohol and
drug free. They've made a choice before they get to college that they
want to maintain a certain lifestyle and they should be commended for
it. If you are not in one of these dorms, you're going to face a certain
amount of peer pressure to partake in alcohol and drug usage, whether or
not you're sure you want to before getting to college.
People have been using substances to get
"high" since time immemorial, so it's not up to me to be
critical of anyone who wants to pursue such activities in moderation. In
most cases, for college-age students, these activities are illegal: for
all students when it comes to drugs, and for all but those over 21
regarding alcohol. Does that illegality have much of an effect?
Apparently not, since getting high seems to be a major pastime on
college campuses. Many college administrations are clamping down on
these activities, in part because of some relatively new federal
regulations, the Campus Crime Awareness and Campus Security Act, but
also because their use has been abused. It's one thing to have a few
drinks, even to get drunk once in a while, but to get so drunk that you
pass out cold is just stupid. And to use drugs that can turn you into an
addict is even more stupid.
I don't think most college students would
overindulge if it weren't for peer pressure. Peer pressure could have
gotten you into trouble in high school, but to some degree it was offset
by parental authority. But there are no parents in college, and most
administrations step in only when things get totally out of hand.
Q. I have a history of alcoholism in my family.
Since I don't want to risk becoming an alcoholic myself, I've always
stayed away from alcohol. I'm afraid that if I stay alcohol free in
college I'll be a pariah and won't have any friends. What should I do?
A. Stick to your guns. You won't necessarily wind
up an alcoholic from having a few drinks, but you must learn to stand up
for yourself. While the "party animals" are always very
visible on a campus, if you look around, you'll find plenty of people
who don't like getting drunk. While they might not be as rowdy as the
drinkers, at least you'll all be able to remember the good times you
have and you won't be waking up with a hangover.
What offsets peer pressure in college is a growing
maturity among the students as they get older. Some students have the
maturity to resist overindulging when they first arrive, while others
develop it along the way. Actually, becoming more mature, that is to say
becoming an adult, is one of the reasons you leave home to go away to
college. Otherwise it would be a lot cheaper to go to a college near
home and live at home. But there are some college students who feel that
they'll grow up after college and that their four years on campus is
their last chance to "play." Certainly that's a more common
attitude among freshmen, who suddenly find themselves living without
adult supervision and are not yet ready to assume that role themselves.
If one of the main reasons you're going to college
is to party, then you're not going to listen to me and all I can say is
"Be careful." But for those of you who want to have a good
time but still continue the process of turning into an adult, I'll give
you some tips.
Be wary of "party animals." They usually
don't hide what they're into, and if you start hanging around them,
you're going to have difficulties not going along. When you first get to
college, you have the opportunity to choose your friends, so choose them
wisely.
I believe in white lies. If you find yourself in a
situation where people are overindulging and you don't want to go off to
sulk in your room, make up a medical condition that prevents you from
having more than one or two drinks. If you can convince those around you
that to you it's life threatening, they'll lay off. One of the reasons
people drink is because it loosens their inhibitions. If you're not
drinking, make sure you don't sit there sulking. If you're as loud and
boisterous as the others, they'll have less of a reason to try to force
you to imbibe too much. And if you find the sight of a roomful of drunks
obnoxious, then quietly leave.
Case: Caroline
Caroline moved off campus when she was a sophomore,
and while her dorm had been smoke free, one of her friends who shared
the apartment with her was a chain smoker. The smoke bothered Caroline
for the first few months, but then she got used to it, though she never
got the desire to take up smoking herself. Summer came and Caroline went
home to her parents, who did not smoke. After a few days, she found
herself craving a cigarette. At first she didn't understand it, but then
it hit her. Her body had become accustomed to the cigarette smoke from
her roommate.
You might think that the danger of secondhand smoke
is exaggerated, but Caroline's story illustrates that it is not. Even if
you don't smoke yourself, and I of course would urge you not to, try not
to live with a smoker because there are dangers even in coming in
contact with burning tobacco in that way.
DRUG USE
Drugs are another matter altogether. First of all
they're illegal, and yes, while it is illegal to sell liquor to someone
underage, you're unlikely to go to jail for being drunk just because
you're not 21. But mere possession of drugs can send you to jail for a
long time, and ruin any chances of graduating from college. Drugs are
also habit forming. Now I know that so are tobacco, caffeine, and
alcohol, but I don't have to tell you all the horror stories there are
about people addicted to cocaine or heroin. I'm sure you've been given
that message in high school. What's different about you now is that
you're older and that should make you wiser. You should be better able
to appreciate the long-range consequences of both becoming an addict and
going to jail for possession. You're forced to go to high school, but
college is voluntary and you should start realizing that you're working
for yourself and your future. Putting all that at risk because of peer
pressure is really silly. So if you're not already into drugs, don't
start while you're in college. Marijuana is the most common drug found
in college, and usually it is in the form of a cigarette that gets
passed around. There are many excuses you could make up to avoid taking
a "hit" when it is your turn. You could say you have a cold
that you don't want to pass around. You could say you suffer from
asthma. Or, since nobody is going to be closely watching you, you could
just fake inhaling. Hard drugs, like cocaine and heroin, cost too much
for people to force it on you. If there is no pressure on you to use
these substances, then it really would be foolish to risk becoming an
addict by going along voluntarily. If someone is really trying to force
you to take a particular drug, tell them that you had a close friend who
died from drugs and you took an oath at his funeral never to use them.
THE SEXUAL SIDE OF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL
Some people resort to drugs to "enhance"
their sex life in some way. This is particularly true of the so-called
party drugs like Ecstacy and GHB. I'm not an expert on drugs, so I won't
comment on what the effects of these drugs may or may not be. What I do
know is that a great many people end up doing things they later regret
because they were high on drugs or alcohol. Any woman who has sex when
she's not in full control is open to an unintended pregnancy, and people
of both sexes who have sex with strangers stand a much increased risk of
getting a potentially deadly sexually transmitted disease.
I realize that scare tactics don't work and that no
matter what I say, or your parents or teachers or school administrators,
I know there are some of you who are going to use illegal drugs,
particularly marijuana, while you are in college. Will most of you who
do suffer dire consequences? No. But after you graduate, when you get
together with some of your college friends, you'll reminisce about
people you knew. And you can be sure that when it comes to one or two
names, the news will be that their life is in tatters because of drugs
or alcohol. Statistically speaking, the number of people who die from
substance abuse is quite high. The U.S. Department of Health reports
that alcohol-related deaths total 100,000 annually from all causes,
including traffic accidents, liver disease, related violence, and falls.
Fatalities from marijuana and other illegal drugs amount to about 10,000
a year. Tobacco-related deaths are the highest of all, at about 450,000
a year, though this number results from long-term use.
Despite everything you've heard or read about
college life, do not assume that the administration of your college
shuts one eye when it comes to the use of drugs or even alcohol. Some
colleges treat their students more like adults and don't watch
carefully, while others will take action if they find so much as one
beer can in a room. Ask some upperclass students how your school handles
these situations and act accordingly.
Case: Steve
Steve grew up in New York City. He chose to attend
a small Midwestern college that was located miles from any city. The
nearest grocery store and movie house were more than ten miles away, and
even that town didn't have much else to offer. Steve felt stifled at
this school and so turned to alcohol and drugs to "get away."
Soon he was spending more time getting high than studying and his grades
started to plummet. Before the end of his second year, he dropped out.
There are many reasons why people turn to drugs and
alcohol, and the ones at college mimic those of people everywhere. Would
Steve not have used these substances so heavily were he at another
school, or was this just the excuse he gave himself? Steve turned out to
be a responsible adult, so perhaps it really was his situation, but
oftentimes young people don't know why they're heavily into substance
abuse, only that they are and they don't know how to get out of the hole
they've dug for themselves.
Every college campus has advisers who can help you
on the road to recovery. I know that many students don't necessarily
trust an adviser to keep the information given to them confidential. My
assumption would be that what you say to a counselor is confidential
because someone in such a position has been trained to honor that type
of commitment. But if you would like more information on such issues,
and don't want to speak with someone on campus, here are some phone
numbers of organizations that may be of help to you.
National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug
Information (800) 729-6686 or (301) 468-2600 24-hour
National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependency
Hope Line (800) NCA-CALL or (800) 622-2255
Drug Help: A service of the American Council for
Drug Education, an affiliate of Phoenix House Foundation (800) DRUGHELP
or (800) 378-4435
American Council for Drug Education (800) 488-DRUG
or (800) 488-3784
FOOD ISSUES
I don't like to quote statistics because if you
look at various sources, you'll usually find different numbers for this
or that. But whatever the actual percentage of college students who
suffer from eating disorders, they are of a sufficient quantity that
this issue cannot be ignored.
I am not so concerned about the so-called Freshman
15, except as it relates to alcohol abuse. If a freshman puts on 15
extra pounds from drinking beer alone, then that is a problem. But even
if the extra weight comes from a mixture of beer and junk food, or junk
food alone, I would urge you to do your best not to fall victim to this
rite of passage. In the first place, it shows a lack of maturity--that
without Mom constantly looking over your shoulder, you can't keep
yourself from gorging on pizza and chips. It also means that you're
probably not eating right, as I doubt that you're piling on the broccoli
and carrots too. (It's not uncommon for college students to get diseases
that come from not eating a proper diet and that are usually found only
among the very poor who can't afford to eat the right foods.) Such extra
weight may also indicate that you're not getting enough exercise. And,
finally, it might start you on a lifetime of food problems, and that's
definitely not one of the lessons you want to include in your college
education.
While overeating does have potentially serious
health consequences, so can dieting, when it goes to the extremes of
anorexia and bulimia. These two eating disorders mostly affect young
women, but researchers have seen a definite rise of these conditions in
young men as well, though the numbers of men with these problems remain
far smaller. As I said earlier, I'm not going to quote you any
statistics as to how many people are anorexic or bulimic, but I can
almost guarantee that you'll meet some in your dorm. My main concern is
to keep you from joining their ranks. In case you're not sure what these
terms mean, here are two definitions I took from the Web site of a
friend, Dr. Ira Sacker, called Eatingdis.com. I'll tell you a bit more
about him later.
Anorexia nervosa is a form of self-starvation
leading to a weight loss of over 15 percent of one's body weight.
Anorexia is 15 to 1 more common in females and usually starts in
adolescence--14 to 16 years of age--but may occur at any age.
Complications include cessation of periods, yellowish discoloration of
palms and soles, hair loss, heart and kidney failure, and sudden death.
Bulimia nervosa is a primary disorder that gets
progressively worse without treatment. It can be accurately diagnosed
and treated. If untreated, the bulimic person will feel an increasingly
intense compulsion to binge and then purge. Abuse of laxatives and
diuretics is common in bulimia. Bulimic people often experience dramatic
swelling of the salivary glands, which leads to enlarged cheeks. Teeth
darken, and the esophagus can become irritated and in fact burst. Ulcers
are common. There may be rupture of the large or small intestine. Each
of these effects can kill you.
These disorders stem from psychological problems,
so besides being very thin, sufferers often also exhibit depression,
irritability, withdrawal, and peculiar behaviors such as compulsive
rituals, strange eating habits, and division of foods into
"good/safe" and "bad/dangerous" categories. The
majority of people who have these disorders began feeling their effects
before they got to college. Normally they begin as teenagers, though the
age range is growing, so that even girls as young as five or six are
being treated for these disorders, which is in part attributable to what
is being called second-generation anorexia, so that these youngsters are
copying their own mother's behavior. However, the loneliness and anxiety
that accompany leaving home can be a trigger for anorexia and bulimia.
In addition, if you get close to any students who are anorexic or
bulimic, the competitive challenge they offer to be thin may also lead
to your joining the ranks of those with an eating disorder, which is why
you must be careful. If you feel yourself succumbing to the pull of
either of these disorders, you must go for help.
One advantage of college is that there is usually
free counseling available, and so if you do realize that you have one of
these problems, it should not be difficult to get treatment.
Some students don't want to admit their problem to
their friends, in which case they might not want to be seen going for
counseling. If that's the case, then they should go to an off-campus
clinic rather than avoid getting help altogether. Make sure that if you
do go for help, you go to the right people, starting with a medical
doctor. While effective treatment will usually include the assistance of
a nutritionist, there are medical and psychological aspects to these
disorders that require you to see a doctor and counselor as well as a
nutritionist.
Case: Phil
Phil noted that his roommate, Geoff, ate very
little. He seemed happy enough, but Geoff was very skinny, though he'd
admitted to Phil that at one time he'd been on the heavy side. A few
times Phil brought up the subject of Geoff's eating habits, but Geoff
would get very angry when he did, so he dropped the matter because
Phil's health wasn't really his responsibility, though it did worry him.
If you notice that your roommate, or another
college friend, has an eating disorder, what should you do? Confronting
him or her on a one-to-one basis may not be effective. The person is
likely to become defensive and not admit to having an eating disorder.
Dr. Sacker recommends that you get together with a few friends and then
have a discussion with the person. If several people are telling you
that you have a problem, it's a little harder to deny it. And while it
may be tempting to ignore the problem, these disorders can be fatal, so
at the very least you should advise your RA of your concerns.
If you would like to know more about these
disorders, you could look up Dr. Sacker's Web site or one of the many
others that exist. However, while the Web can be very helpful in
providing information, it also presents a danger, as there are now chat
rooms for people who have these diseases and are looking for support in
maintaining their condition, rather than getting treatment, and where
they can learn about new ways to lose weight or vomit. If you would like
to contact Dr. Sacker directly, either for help or for a referral to a
doctor in your area, you can call him at (718) 240-6451.
THE MIXING OF THE SEXES
There are some colleges where men and women still
live in separate dorms, the way it used to be at every coeducational
college. Many schools founded by a religious group are like that,
including Notre Dame, a school where I once very much enjoyed giving a
lecture. Now there are some people who find living in any communal
arrangement difficult, same sex or coed, and I dealt with that in
chapter 2. But living with members of the opposite sex can present even
greater opportunities for embarrassment, especially when there are
communal bathrooms shared by both.
If this is something you're dreading, take heart in
the fact that this is not a new experiment but something that has been
going on for a long time and that students have not found life
threatening. And if you're looking forward to it because you think it
means that such living arrangements are sexual in nature, then I'm
afraid you're going to be in for a disappointment. While there are some
students, of both sexes, who take advantage of these dorms to live out
their exhibitionist fantasies, the vast majority manage to accomplish
their toiletries without showing any more flesh than they would at a
beach, and probably a lot less.
For anyone who does not like the thought of sharing
their dorm with members of the opposite sex, almost every college has
dorms where you really won't have such problems. Even if there is no
dorm inhabited by only one sex, if the sexes are separated by different
floors, then the intermingling of the sexes is more likely to occur in
class than in the dorm. In theory it may sound sexy that in order to
visit a friend you have to walk down a hall filled with members of the
opposite sex, but the reality is that it can be somewhat intimidating.
And that's the point of mixing sexes within a dormitory. By removing
artificial barriers, you can really get to know them as friends, which
in this era of co-equality in the workplace is a very important lesson.
I would go so far as to say that having colleges make the switch to coed
dorms in the 1960s was an important step for the equality of women in
every phase of American life.
Q. There was this guy who liked me in high school
that used to try to talk to me and sit next to me at lunch, but he was
pretty easy to duck. Now I've got one who lives in my dorm, and it's a
lot harder to avoid him. He's figured out my schedule and he even seems
to know when I'm going to be in our coed bathroom, which makes me very
uncomfortable. I've told him that I'm not interested but he still hangs
around. How do I get rid of this guy?
A. Some people won't take no for an answer, and
even find that any attention, like that no, is better than nothing. So
my first piece of advice to you would be to pretend that he does not
exist. Try to cut off any sense of contact. If you see him, don't look
at him and don't acknowledge him if he approaches you.
If that doesn't work, then you'll have to go see
your RA and let him or her know about this situation. Yes, many people
have to cope with someone who is interested in them, but when you're
living in such close proximity, it does change the situation and if you
need help dealing with this, don't hesitate to ask for it.
Although the point of coed dorms may be to help the
sexes get to know each other better on a casual basis, the raging
hormones of the inhabitants will create some embarrassing moments. Some
young men will try to come on too strong, and when that young man lives
only a few feet from you, it can make a young woman uncomfortable. And
because of the proximity of all these men, some young women put up a
protective barrier that's more formidable than they really feel. And
then there are those who misinterpret friendship for affection, and that
can cause some embarrassing moments as well. But just because men and
women live together within the same four walls does not mean that there
will be an end to the awkwardness that exists between single young men
and women who are all potential mates. That potential for finding true
love gives off a slight electricity that makes a coed dorm an exciting
place to live. Living together won't make you all brothers and sisters,
and so there'll be some attractions and some rejections. As the French
are wont to say, Vive la différence. Many young men worry about having
an erection in an inopportune place, chief among which might be a coed
bathroom. Surprising as it may seem, most of the women around you won't
be staring at your crotch so you needn't be overly concerned. And the
one good thing about a coed bathroom is if you do get an erection,
you'll be in close proximity to a cold shower.
College women can be certain that the men around
them will be looking, but how much the men get to see is up to them.
While it can be annoying to be under constant scrutiny, it also presents
certain opportunities to attract the attention of Mr. Right. My
philosophy is rather than look at the glass as half-empty, see it as
half-full. So learn to put up with some immature behavior and just keep
your eyes open for meeting someone who appeals to you.
If you encounter someone who is trying to take
advantage of the mixing of the sexes in an inappropriate way, don't let
yourself be intimidated. If you don't think you can handle the situation
on your own, go to your RA and make a report. In really serious
situations, for example if you are being stalked, you can obtain a court
order of protection. In case you think that's a rarity, I know of one
college campus where more than four hundred students have an order of
protection out against someone.
If you're somebody who tends to be inhibited around
the opposite sex, rather than giving in to those tendencies, try to make
such living arrangements a learning and growing experience. While it is
true that when some people get old, they look back and regret some of
the things they did, there are also a great many people who look back
and regret some of the things they didn't do. I am not suggesting that
you do anything rash. For example, I am always telling young people who
are virgins not to just throw their virginity away but to wait for the
right person. But if the dorm is having a pajama party, you don't have
to cover yourself from head to toe. I'm not saying that you should do
things that are dangerous, but on the other hand, don't be afraid to
take reasonable risks. Remember that turtle who needs to stick his head
out sometimes.
DORM ALTERNATIVES
On most college campuses, the administration wants
freshmen to live in a dorm. Eventually they'll allow you to move out
into private quarters, but as an indoctrination of sorts, colleges
insist that you partake in some communal living. I actually think it's a
good idea because if you've always lived at home and then were isolated
in an apartment off campus, you might find yourself feeling very lonely.
But one of the things I learned in doing research for this book is that
some campuses have private dorms. These are acceptable to the college
administration but may be a cut above what the college offers.
When I lived in Israel, which was still Palestine
then, I lived on a kibbutz and so I know that one can make do on very
little in terms of creature comforts. But college students these days
are faced with a lot more pressures. A college degree has become
necessary to get ahead in the world, and many more undergraduates plan
to go on to graduate school. So I see nothing wrong with living
communally but with a touch of luxury to accentuate it. Jacuzzis, pools,
sun decks, concierge service, dry cleaning facilities, and better food
can certainly enhance your college experience. In some of these dorms
you can even get a massage. Now I'd definitely pay extra for that! And
especially for those who don't like the idea of communal bathrooms,
these private dorms are all suites, so that you share a bathroom with
only your suite mates. Because private dorms don't require any
additional financing on the part of the colleges or the taxpayers, yet
allow for an expanded student body, they are becoming more and more
popular. Today's college-bound high schoolers have grown up with
additional services at home, greater than those only ten years ago. This
new consumer has set expectations on a higher plane. Universities and
colleges are changing "business as usual" to accommodate this
new market. These incoming students grew up with their own bedrooms and
had cable or a satellite dish in the den. In the private dorms available
today, you can check the dinner menu on Intranet or write a work order
from your room. The Ethernet makes your computer faster for research,
the dorm housekeeping staff will clean your bathroom regularly, and the
"resident life staff" will make sure you are aware of
homecoming events.
If your budget allows for a dormitory upgrade,
investigate the possibilities and indulge yourself!
WORK LIFE
With college tuitions as high as they are, more and
more students are working while they attend classes. A study done by the
Department of Education found that half of the nation's college students
worked an average of 25 hours a week, while another 30 percent worked
full time. On most campuses, a third to half of the students work for
the college itself while the rest work off campus. Students who are
working 25 hours a week or more certainly have a much different
lifestyle than those who don't have to hold down a job. While you can
shift the times you study, and even get some choice as to when to
schedule your classes, work hours tend to be less flexible. So a student
who works might want to belong to this or that organization, but the
combination of a class and work schedule may not allow for such
extracurricular activities.
Q. I never pictured college as being such a
stressful place. Not only do I have to worry about getting good grades,
but I also have to worry about paying tuition. I work 30 to 35 hours a
week, some for the college filing papers, and I also take orders at the
local Burger King. Sometimes I feel like I'm caught in a vise. If you
can come up with an answer, you're a miracle worker.
A. My suggestion to you is to slow this whole
process down. My guess is that you're trying to fit all this into a
traditional four-year program. Maybe that is too much. What would happen
if you stretched it out a bit? For example, what if you stay home for a
year, so your expenses are low, and work at a full-time job and then go
back to school? You wouldn't graduate with your friends, but at least
while you are in school, you wouldn't be so stressed out. Or what if you
take fewer courses during the academic year and then take courses at a
school near your home during the summer? You've got your whole life
ahead of you. You don't have a wife and children to feed, so see if
there is some way to spread out the load so that it is not so
burdensome. Since I started my work experience in this country as a maid
for $1 an hour while I was getting my master's at the Graduate Faculty
of the New School for Social Research, I sympathize with every college
student who has to work while attending classes. It makes it especially
tough when you see others around you who don't have to put in such long
hours and can sleep or horse around while you are working. But what I
want to tell you is that you must not allow the fact that you work to
lessen your college experience
. You can find the time to do more than take
classes as long as you don't give up without even trying. It's always
better to have a schedule that's a little too full than one that's too
empty. So don't be afraid to say yes now and then and join a club, or
try out for a part in the school play or whatever, and then figure out a
way to cram it all in.
Don't be afraid to let your professors know that
you have a job. Most teachers have learned to turn a deaf ear to
students with poor excuses for not doing their assignments on time, but
that doesn't mean they aren't willing to make exceptions when they know
the need is there. On the other hand, don't allow your friends to think
you're never available because of your job. Make a point of putting
aside time so that you can take part in at least some of their
activities.
If you have a choice of jobs, don't let the pay
rate be the only deciding factor. Obviously if one teaches you something
of value, that should be your first choice. But if you can find a job
where you can also crack open a book now and then, it might be better
than a job that pays a little more but occupies your attention full
time. See if you can find a job that will allow you to change your
hours. If there are other people doing the exact same thing you are,
it's more likely that you could trade, when needed, than if you are the
only one responsible for those duties.
YOU AND YOUR RESIDENTIAL ADVISER
It might be natural to look at the RA of your
floor, as well as any other residential staff, as replacement of
parental authorities and then try to have as little contact with them as
possible. That would be a mistake. In the first place, they don't want
to be your parents and would prefer to never have to exercise any
authority. But if the occasion arises that you do run afoul of them, if
you're on good terms, you'll be a lot better off than if they hardly
know you.
Case: Jane
Jane was an only child, and her parents catered to
her every whim. She had never shared a room with anybody, and the
experience of not being in charge was a little overwhelming to her. She
was barely communicating with her roommates. She didn't complain, but
when her mom found out, she didn't hesitate to get on the phone with
Fran, the dorm's RA.
Fran went to investigate, and though it was clearly
Jane's fault, the rift between roommates seemed too big to heal, so she
helped Jane switch rooms. It didn't take very long for Jane to have
similar problems with this new roommate. Fran decided that Jane needed
some special attention, so she took her under her wing. They spent long
hours talking, and eventually Jane realized that, when living with a
roommate, she couldn't always have her way and that she had to learn to
compromise. Jane and Fran ended up becoming friends and actually shared
a room the next year. Obviously not every case resembles this one with
Jane. Sometimes an RA has to be the bad guy and enforce the rules.
Usually it's because the students have not just put their toe over the
line, but have gone 100 yards beyond it. But while RAs are not looking
for confrontations, they do have the weight of the entire college on
their side, so if one of them gets on your case for behavior that you
know is against the rules, don't try to give them a hard time. Instead,
say you're sorry and try to clean up your act
. RAs are a good source of information about your
campus, so make a point of talking to them when you have a chance. You
never know what useful information you might learn, and you even might
make a friend.
Never hesitate to go to an RA with a problem. You
can always tell them that you don't want them to intervene, but they
might have a suggestion that will be really useful to you. Also, by
reporting a problem early on, if you later do need assistance, you'll
have proved to the RA that this is not just a one-time occurrence. Try
to extend your level of contact with dorm staff to include the resident
director and others. They too may one day be of service and certainly
can provide you with good information. This is the information age and
you can never have too much, so use these valuable resources.
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