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By removing
artificial barriers, you can really get to know them as friends, which
in this era of co-equality in the workplace is a very important lesson.
I would go so far as to say that having colleges make the switch to coed
dorms in the 1960s was an important step for the equality of women in
every phase of American life.
Q. There was this guy who liked me in high school
that used to try to talk to me and sit next to me at lunch, but he was
pretty easy to duck. Now I've got one who lives in my dorm, and it's a
lot harder to avoid him. He's figured out my schedule and he even seems
to know when I'm going to be in our coed bathroom, which makes me very
uncomfortable. I've told him that I'm not interested but he still hangs
around. How do I get rid of this guy?
A. Some people won't take no for an answer, and
even find that any attention, like that no, is better than nothing. So
my first piece of advice to you would be to pretend that he does not
exist. Try to cut off any sense of contact. If you see him, don't look
at him and don't acknowledge him if he approaches you.
If that doesn't work, then you'll have to go see
your RA and let him or her know about this situation. Yes, many people
have to cope with someone who is interested in them, but when you're
living in such close proximity, it does change the situation and if you
need help dealing with this, don't hesitate to ask for it.
Although the point of coed dorms may be to help the
sexes get to know each other better on a casual basis, the raging
hormones of the inhabitants will create some embarrassing moments. Some
young men will try to come on too strong, and when that young man lives
only a few feet from you, it can make a young woman uncomfortable. And
because of the proximity of all these men, some young women put up a
protective barrier that's more formidable than they really feel. And
then there are those who misinterpret friendship for affection, and that
can cause some embarrassing moments as well. But just because men and
women live together within the same four walls does not mean that there
will be an end to the awkwardness that exists between single young men
and women who are all potential mates. That potential for finding true
love gives off a slight electricity that makes a coed dorm an exciting
place to live. Living together won't make you all brothers and sisters,
and so there'll be some attractions and some rejections. As the French
are wont to say, Vive la différence. Many young men worry about having
an erection in an inopportune place, chief among which might be a coed
bathroom. Surprising as it may seem, most of the women around you won't
be staring at your crotch so you needn't be overly concerned. And the
one good thing about a coed bathroom is if you do get an erection,
you'll be in close proximity to a cold shower.
College women can be certain that the men around
them will be looking, but how much the men get to see is up to them.
While it can be annoying to be under constant scrutiny, it also presents
certain opportunities to attract the attention of Mr. Right. My
philosophy is rather than look at the glass as half-empty, see it as
half-full. So learn to put up with some immature behavior and just keep
your eyes open for meeting someone who appeals to you.
If you encounter someone who is trying to take
advantage of the mixing of the sexes in an inappropriate way, don't let
yourself be intimidated. If you don't think you can handle the situation
on your own, go to your RA and make a report. In really serious
situations, for example if you are being stalked, you can obtain a court
order of protection. In case you think that's a rarity, I know of one
college campus where more than four hundred students have an order of
protection out against someone.
If you're somebody who tends to be inhibited around
the opposite sex, rather than giving in to those tendencies, try to make
such living arrangements a learning and growing experience. While it is
true that when some people get old, they look back and regret some of
the things they did, there are also a great many people who look back
and regret some of the things they didn't do. I am not suggesting that
you do anything rash. For example, I am always telling young people who
are virgins not to just throw their virginity away but to wait for the
right person. But if the dorm is having a pajama party, you don't have
to cover yourself from head to toe. I'm not saying that you should do
things that are dangerous, but on the other hand, don't be afraid to
take reasonable risks. Remember that turtle who needs to stick his head
out sometimes.
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